Luke Garroway (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
notaretriever) wrote2017-09-11 03:06 pm
notaretriever) wrote2017-09-11 03:06 pm
Entry tags:
[september 16]
When he realizes what's happened, Luke doesn't have the luxury of burying himself under the pillows that still smell like Spencer Reid and losing himself to sleep, which is the only thing he wants. Not with Jack asleep in his bedroom.
Luke had been up late the night before, as he usually is, never needing as much sleep as the average person, but Reid had gone to bed before him, as was usual. He had stopped by the couch where Luke was working on inventory, had run his fingers through Luke's hair and kissed him goodnight, lingering for a few moments as they laughed and made soft jokes and Luke had promised to come to bed soon.
He'd promised and then he hadn't. Instead he'd gotten distracted trying to work out why it seemed he'd ordered three copies of The Candle of Vision when it was hard enough to find a single copy in Darrow and the time had flown by without him even realizing. Eventually he'd looked up at the clock, found it to be after two and he had known Reid would be asleep already. Wrinkling his nose, feeling bad that he was still out here, Luke had decided not to disturb his husband and had instead worked on the inventory for a little while longer before finally heading into the bedroom.
It hadn't taken him long to figure out something was wrong. Luke was terrible about making the bed, but Reid usually slipped in after he got in the shower and made it for him and it's still made now. Reid is nowhere to be seen, his side of the bed completely undisturbed, his cell phone sitting on the bedside table. Luke goes into the bathroom just to be sure, then looks in on Jack, but Reid isn't in either room. He searches the apartment quietly, then goes down to the store, but the lights are all off and there's no one sitting in the couch by the window.
In a desperate attempt to deny what's happened, Luke even goes into the basement, but it's as it always is. Reid is nowhere.
Luke goes back upstairs and, sitting on Reid's side of the bed, looking directly at his cell phone, he calls his husband. The phone beside him doesn't even ring. There's a recorded message telling him the number is no longer in service, but Luke doesn't really hear it. He drops his phone and instead reaches for Reid's pillow, holding it up to his face so he can smell his husband still there. He sits there for the rest of the night, sits on Reid's side of the bed with his pillow in his lap and when the sun begins to rise and his alarm goes off and the tears have dried, he gets up mechanically and goes to wake Jack.
This is going to be the most horrible thing he's ever had to do.
Luke had been up late the night before, as he usually is, never needing as much sleep as the average person, but Reid had gone to bed before him, as was usual. He had stopped by the couch where Luke was working on inventory, had run his fingers through Luke's hair and kissed him goodnight, lingering for a few moments as they laughed and made soft jokes and Luke had promised to come to bed soon.
He'd promised and then he hadn't. Instead he'd gotten distracted trying to work out why it seemed he'd ordered three copies of The Candle of Vision when it was hard enough to find a single copy in Darrow and the time had flown by without him even realizing. Eventually he'd looked up at the clock, found it to be after two and he had known Reid would be asleep already. Wrinkling his nose, feeling bad that he was still out here, Luke had decided not to disturb his husband and had instead worked on the inventory for a little while longer before finally heading into the bedroom.
It hadn't taken him long to figure out something was wrong. Luke was terrible about making the bed, but Reid usually slipped in after he got in the shower and made it for him and it's still made now. Reid is nowhere to be seen, his side of the bed completely undisturbed, his cell phone sitting on the bedside table. Luke goes into the bathroom just to be sure, then looks in on Jack, but Reid isn't in either room. He searches the apartment quietly, then goes down to the store, but the lights are all off and there's no one sitting in the couch by the window.
In a desperate attempt to deny what's happened, Luke even goes into the basement, but it's as it always is. Reid is nowhere.
Luke goes back upstairs and, sitting on Reid's side of the bed, looking directly at his cell phone, he calls his husband. The phone beside him doesn't even ring. There's a recorded message telling him the number is no longer in service, but Luke doesn't really hear it. He drops his phone and instead reaches for Reid's pillow, holding it up to his face so he can smell his husband still there. He sits there for the rest of the night, sits on Reid's side of the bed with his pillow in his lap and when the sun begins to rise and his alarm goes off and the tears have dried, he gets up mechanically and goes to wake Jack.
This is going to be the most horrible thing he's ever had to do.
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But now that I have to go to School again, I have to wake up early, and it sucks. Papa likes to joke that maybe I'm not a morning person. I totally used to be, though! So I need to get used to waking up early again because I like that lots more than not being a morning person or a night person. I've gotta be at least one.
Papa comes to wake me up this morning, and at first I don't want to. I push my face further in my pillow when I hear him open the door, because I want to sleep more and I think my eyes are still tired. But then I open my eyes and look up and...
...Papa looks really upset.
"Was I bad?" I ask him, even before I say good morning. Because if I did something bad then the most important thing is to say sorry, and I want to say that as soon as I can.
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"No, honey, you weren't bad," he promises softly. "Not at all."
He's quiet again for a moment, stroking Jack's hair and then he takes a breath and says, "I have to tell you something, Jack. Something that's going to make you sad and maybe mad and I don't want to have to say it, but I do."
He wishes more than ever that it wasn't true, that Reid would just come into the room and make it so Luke never has to say these words and the longer he waits, the angrier Luke gets with him until he realizes there's nothing to be angry about because Reid would never have done this to them by choice. Never. He's been taken from them by some other force he'll never understand. And he has to say it. He chose to bring Jack into his care and that means everything, it means being present in the good moments, but it means taking care of the hard ones, too, and so Luke steels himself for the words he knows have to come.
"Your dad went home."
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Oh no.
He's touching my hair and I know it's to try and make me feel better but it only makes me feel worse, it makes my chest all tight and I'm worried that I can't breathe and I can't say anything because I'm so scared. The last time I felt this scared was probably when I was in Cabinet, or when I was hiding in Rug and trying to pretend to be dead around Old Nick. The kind of scared where you don't want to say or do anything or move because then everything bad can happen.
Papa says he's going to tell me something that will make me sad and maybe mad and he doesn't want to say it. I almost want to tell him that he shouldn't say it then, maybe I don't need to know, maybe I'm not big enough to know like how Ma didn't tell me the truth until I was five because if I found out when I was four then I'd be really angry all the time and I couldn't do anything about it.
But then he tells me. Before I can tell him not to say it, he says it.
Dad went home.
I look at him. I can feel my eyes start to cry even though I don't want to, I really don't want to cry because Papa's already crying and if the both of us cry then it's just gonna be worse.
"But... Dad's home is here."
I know what Papa means. He means Dad went back to his World, the one that we're not sure if it's the same World as mine but it's not here in Darrow and you can't get there, you can't get there by driving, we don't know where the exit is. That means we don't know how to get to Dad.
Dad's gone.
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Spencer Reid's home is in Darrow, it's in this apartment, it's with the two of them.
"You're right," he says, his voice a little hoarse and he pauses to clear his throat. "Your dad's home is here, but he went back to Virginia. To where he lived before he came to Darrow."
Everything feels so fragile right now, as if it might crack down the middle if he says the wrong thing, but he also feels like there's no possible right thing to say. No matter what words he comes up with, they won't be right, nothing at all can make any of this right and he has to just accept it. What they used to be is broken, there's no fixing that and all he can do right now is try not to break it any further.
"I'm sorry, Jack," he says softly, ducking his head to brush a kiss over his hairline. "I'm so sorry, honey."
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I hate crying. It makes me feel like a baby and I don't want to be a baby anymore, I want to grow up, I want to be big and to have so much Strong and I want to have all that Strong to help my Dads, except now I guess I can't. I wanted to find a way that I could go to Ohio and then bring Ma to Darrow, but I can't. Because I can't even keep my Dad here.
I can feel Papa kissing my hair and it makes me break even more, because it shouldn't just be Papa here, Dad should be here too.
Will I ever see Dad again?
I think I hear someone crying. Then I realize it's me. I'm crying, I'm crying so loud that it's almost like screaming, and I didn't do that since Ma and I were trying to get the Aliens to hear us. My screaming's different than then. This time it hurts my throat a lot. But it doesn't matter how much my throat hurts because my heart hurts even more.
I'm curling up and I'm grabbing Papa with my hands and I'm never going to let him go. I don't think I'm going to see Dad ever again. I don't think I'm going to see Ma ever again. Everything's breaking and it's falling apart and I can't fix it.
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He can't even promise he won't go anywhere himself, because he knows Reid would have fought tooth and nail to stay with them.
Too many times in the past he's told Jack it's okay to experience strong emotions and Luke isn't going to tell him any different now. This is heartbreak, pure and simple, and he holds Jack, but he doesn't restrain him. He rubs a comforting hand against his shoulder, but he doesn't try to stop his tears or shush him when his sobbing grows loud and painful sounding. All he does it let Jack grab at his hands and he ducks his head, kissing his little fingers, his own tears dripping down the end of his nose.
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I got Papa's shirt all wet and I think I snotted on it too. I feel bad, but I can't move. I don't want to move.
There was a little while when I didn't have Ma and I didn't have Dads yet. That was the worst time. I was so, so happy when Dad and Papa said that they wanted me to live with them because that meant I could live with family again. I think that all kids should live with a family. You can't really be happy if you don't have a family that you can live with. It's just too lonely. I think about the other kids at Home all the time, I know not all of them got Mas and Dads.
I bet if they got Mas and Dads, they would hold on. And then maybe their Ma and Dad wouldn't disappear. I'm so worried that Papa's gonna be next, because I know that Papa and Dad are supposed to be together forever and they got married and what if Papa's going to try and find Dad? And then what if Papa goes to Dad and doesn't take me?
I start to cry again, but it's not that loud this time.
"Don't leave me," I beg Papa.
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As he says it, Luke wonders if he should feel guilty for promising something he knows he has no control over. There's no way Reid chose to leave them, nothing that someone could have offered him that would have made him go and so Luke knows for the first time, beyond any doubt, there's no controlling what Darrow does. It took Reid from them and it could just as easily take him. Tomorrow or three weeks from now or a year down the line, he knows it could be his turn to be returned home, but it doesn't matter. Those aren't the words Jack needs to hear and so even if he can't truly promise such a thing, Luke will do so anyway. He'll say anything to give Jack what he needs.
"Look at me, Jack," he says gently, tucking his fingers under Jack's chin and turning his face up. Luke makes no effort to hide his tears, he knows he can't tell Jack to express his emotions and then act as if he's embarrassed by his own and so he doesn't bother. Instead he holds Jack's gaze, looking at him seriously and he says, "Your dad loves you very much. And I love you. If something happened and he had to go home, he needs to know that I'm here taking care of you and loving you and looking after you, so that's exactly what I'm going to do."
This is the role he's meant for. Luke has known that for a long time, he's never been as happy as when he has a child to care for and so he knows now what he needs to do. Jack needs to be his focus, his everything and that includes not letting this city take him. So maybe he can't really promise it, but for the moment Luke lets himself believe he can.
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And then Ma said things would be okay at Hammock House but then she tried to go to Heaven because things weren't okay, and that made things definitely not okay for me.
And then Dad always said we were a family and... and after Dad's accident he said things would be okay and he would get all better but now things aren't okay because he's not even here.
Papa tells me to look at him, so I do.
"Dad wouldn't want to leave us," I tell him, my voice is more quiet now. "Dad wouldn't want to leave you because you're married and you're supposed to be together forever. If Dad left it's because someone made him go. So how do you know that you're not going to go home, too? What if someone makes you go, too?"
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It's not the same as promising to always be here, it's not the same as telling Jack he'll never leave, but Darrow makes that impossible. Life makes that impossible, any number of things could happen to him and he knows it, but somehow Darrow makes it seem even more impossible to promise such a thing and he hates it. This place has made Luke happy in so many ways, it's changed his life for the better, but in this moment, when it makes it so he can't promise his son something he needs, he absolutely hates it.
"I'm sorry, Jack," he murmurs. "I want to make everything okay again. I want to bring your dad back, I want us to be a family together and for nothing to be able to take that away from us. I feel... I feel so helpless and I'm sorry."
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When I got to Darrow, I said I would find the exit. I would get back to Ohio and I would get to Ma so that I can help make her better. But I stopped looking because people said you can't really leave but also because I had lots of friends, so many friends, and then I had more family too. I think anywhere can be home if you have your family there.
But now I know that just because you have family now doesn't mean you'll have family forever. Papa might leave. And what if… what if I leave Papa? I don't want that either because then he'll be alone.
I'm so scared.
"It's not your fault," I tell Papa. I feel bad because he's saying sorry but I think he's hurting as much as me and he didn't choose for Dad to go. He shouldn't have to say sorry. "I'm sorry that I don't know how to help either." I want to ask him lots of things. I want to ask him if he wants to look for an exit, or if we should stop looking because what if only one of us goes? But it's too much to think about so I just hold him and I close my eyes. If only this was just a bad dream.
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It's a good thing, he thinks. At the moment he's too numb to really process, but down the road, in the days and weeks to come, being able to focus on Jack and his needs is going to help Luke deal with this pain. This is not a part time responsibility, it's not something he no longer needs to focus on because now he's doing this alone and he's dedicated completely to being here for Jack and being everything he needs.
Shifting on the bed, Luke collects Jack gently, not holding him too tight, giving him space to move away if he needs to, but wrapping both his arms around him all the same. He rests his cheek on top of Jack's head and strokes his hair and closes his eyes, tears still slipping out from under his eyelids.
"I love you, Jack," he says softly. "And your dad loves us both, too. He took his wedding ring with him and even though he's not here anymore, he'll always be a part of us and of our family."
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I wish I had Bad Tooth now. I wish I had a part of Ma with me now. I guess I didn't think I needed to have a part of her with me all the time because I lived in Hammock House and Hammock House had all of Ma's things. I didn't think I would leave Hammock House.
Dad didn't think he would leave Darrow too, but he took his ring. He loves us. He loves us a lot.
I curl up so that Papa can hold me closer. I can feel that he's crying, too. I wish I could make it better. I wish that I was smart enough to know how to get to Dad and for them to be together because that's the most important thing. I wish...
I wish the Angels listened.
"Do we have Dad's other stuff so that he'll always be a part of our family here?" I ask Papa. He's got his ring, but I don't have something like that.
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Eventually he might put some of Reid's clothing into boxes, but he can't imagine moving them any further than the floor of his closet and the other things that had belonged to Reid will never be something he'll move. His little knick knacks, the gifts they'd given each other, his books, his files or bits of work he'd brought home. Luke will tidy them, he won't leave them laying around as if just waiting for Reid to return, because he thinks that might be more difficult still to see than an empty space, but he's not about to get rid of anything.
"And if you like, you can go through his things with me and pick something for you to keep," he continues, his voice soft. Luke is still wearing his own wedding band and he has no plans to ever take it off, but Jack doesn't have anything like that. They should have given him something, he realizes, a symbol at their wedding, a little gift to make him feel more included and he regrets that they hadn't thought of that with a terrible pain in his chest. "Anything you want, though maybe something small like his watch would be better. You can keep it in your pocket until you're big enough to wear it yourself."
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I'm not ready to tell Papa that maybe we should do that, because... because if we keep everything where it is then maybe it will feel more like Dad's still here.
Maybe.
"I want..."
I just want Dad here. I just want Dad. I don't want just his watch, I want Dad.
"...yeah, maybe the watch is okay," I tell Papa, even though my voice is wet like crying. "I wish this was a bad dream."
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But if it were a bad dream, he feels like it would be over now. They wouldn't still be huddled in Jack's bed, two broken pieces of what used to be a whole. Luke wouldn't be wondering where to go from here, where to start trying to put things back together. He wouldn't be thinking that it will happen one day, probably without his trying, when he'll look at Jack and realize just the two of them together feels whole again.
Missing something, yes, always missing something, but still somehow a whole.
Right now it doesn't matter that eventually a day will come when things feel easier. He's been through loss before and he knows everyone comes out on the other side eventually, no matter how awful they feel at first, but it doesn't matter. That future is so far away, so seemingly impossible that he can't even say those words to try and comfort Jack.
"I wish he was still here, too," he whispers, then kisses Jack's hair again. "I wish that more than anything."
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Just like Ma's alone back in the Hospital.
I want to do something to help them but I'm really... I'm really tired and I can't think anymore, it's like my head's full of cotton and everything's soft and squishy and hard to hear. My head hurts a little too, like it's going bum-bum-bum like my heart.
"Can we go nap in the big bed? I know we're supposed to be up but I wanna... I wanna sleep a little more," I tell Papa. "Maybe the bed's still warm from Dad."
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If only he'd gone to bed when he'd promised he would.
Shifting, Luke moves to the edge of the bed, then opens his arms up for Jack. Bit by bit he's getting too big to be carried, but Luke is strong and in moments like this especially, he feels like he has to. It's a comfort to Jack, he hopes, but it's a comfort to him, too, to be able to hold onto Jack and support him and wrap his arms around him and carry his weight.
"Come on," he says softly. "I'll call your teacher a little later and say you're not feeling well. I don't think either of us should have to go anywhere today."